| Wise Words | When you are describing,
A shape, or sound, or tint;
Don't state the matter plainly,
But put it in a hint;
And learn to look at all things,
With a sort of mental squint.
~Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll) |
| | | Short character description |  |
| | | Author | Message |
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Zaragor
Reader
Join date : 2010-06-20
Location : Buried deep in your neither regions
Posts : 9
 |  Subject: Short character description  Fri Jul 02, 2010 7:29 pm | |
| I wrote this for a friend (Looney-Lyra) as a birthday present, and figured I'd post it. - Spoiler:
She stood before her easel, face contorted in studious concentration. Behind her, panoramic views stretched as far as the eye could see, and then further still, reaching, it seemed, to the end of the earth. The tip of her tongue just poked out from her lips, giving her face a childish sheen. Long brown hair cascaded down her shoulders in ringlets, highlighting her pale face. Big, brown eyes were narrowed as all her attention focused on the painting; nothing real, just the images thrown out by her wonderfully abstract imagination.
Her hand moved in quick, sudden strokes, splattering small droplets of paint that flew like miniature gemstones. Ignoring them, she focuses on her work, attention devoted to the task at hand. Her long, slender legs moved restlessly, as she was unable to stand still, made restless by the ideas coursing through her brain. A few droplets had fallen on her black, tight leggings, but she hadn't even noticed.
Taking a step back to admire her handiwork, she stretched her arms above her head, brushing her ears. Her turquoise top stretched with her, rising up until her midriff was exposed. The painting is a riot of colour and life, with more than a hint of madness - just like her.
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| | | | Kris
Admin
Join date : 2010-06-17
Location : Earth
Posts : 336
| | Subject: Re: Short character description Fri Jul 02, 2010 10:12 pm | |
| - Zaragor wrote:
- I wrote this for a friend (Looney-Lyra) as a birthday present, and figured I'd post it.
- Spoiler:
She stood before her easel, face contorted in studious concentration. Behind her, panoramic views (what panoramic view? Describe it.)[deleted s] stretched as far as the eye could see, and then further still, reaching, it seemed, to the end of the earth. The tip of her tongue just poked out from her lips, giving her face a childish sheen. Long brown hair cascaded down her shoulders in ringlets, highlighting her pale face. Big, brown eyes were narrowed (watch the passive tone) as all her attention focused on the painting; nothing real, just the images (what images, be more specific maybe) thrown out by her wonderfully abstract (what do you mean by abstract imagination?) imagination.
Her hand moved in quick, sudden strokes, splattering small droplets of paint that flew like miniature gemstones (I see shiny, glittering, hard droplets of paint. Ouch. I think I get what you're trying to say, but I don't think this image works here.) . Ignoring them, she focuses (watch your tenses. Pick one and stick with it! To give due credit, this is tonly one of two.) on her work, attention devoted to the task at hand. Her long, slender legs moved (try finding a more specific, more descriptive movement) restlessly, as she was unable (passive) to stand still, made restless (again, passive) by the ideas coursing through her brain. A few droplets (of what?) had fallen on her black, tight leggings, but she hadn't even noticed.
Taking a step back to admire her handiwork, she stretched her arms above her head, brushing her ears. Her turquoise top stretched with her, rising up until her midriff was exposed. The painting is (tense) a riot of colour and life, with more than a hint of madness (????????????) - just like her.
My comments are in red. I only believe in giving comments/suggestions, not trying to edit and revise a writer's paper all by myself. Each work expresses a writer's ideas and style. Feel free to ignore my comments if you want. They are only suggestions as I said earlier.
This is a nice work, very focused on description, so my comments were directed towards descriptions. I'm not saying you're doing a bad job. It's good for trying to describe so much in a short space. With work (and expansion- if you're detailing, I like to see more of it!), it'll turn into a gem!  | |
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| Forum Tips | | Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:36 am by Kris | EDIT
If you made a mistake in your post, or want to add something, please click the "edit" button on the top right. I know some people know how to do this, but others haven't figured it out yet.
QUOTE
Quote is next to the edit button. You can quote someone else's words.
SPOILERS
You can shorten your post as it appears by using the code
[spoi/ler] [/spoiler]
Ignore the first / which I placed in the …
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